I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
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I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
This is Sparta
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math