*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
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lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.