the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
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In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Previously On Persistence 😎
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.