Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
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I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
💯😂
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow