Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
And they lived apathetically ever after.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover