And they lived apathetically ever after.
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[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
You got this…
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I love the honesty
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.