And they lived apathetically ever after.
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Another interesting #factupdates post!
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Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Lmao
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I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while