I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
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I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM