“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
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Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.