The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
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The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺