You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
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Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast