How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
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if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I bet
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol