[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
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My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.