I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
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STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary