Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
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*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”