Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
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My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.