I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
A short story about romance.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”