Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
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“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“The Perfect Relationship”
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Cinematography is my passion
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.