Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
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The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away