How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
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Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
oppen heimer style lol
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.