winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.