winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
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When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss