Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
You Might Also Like
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Oceanography is all about current events
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I wish this was real life…
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.