Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
You Might Also Like
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.