Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
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Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
This will never not be funny 😭
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.