Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
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Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.