Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
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You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.