I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
You Might Also Like
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.