My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
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Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.