If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
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Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
All excellent questions
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
yeah not falling for this one
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
fly smarter, not harder