Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
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Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape