Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.