Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
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Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*![]()
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.