Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

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Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.


me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?


Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.


Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?


Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.


Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”


I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.


Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.