Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

“When I was your age, I already owned a house”

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.

Bride: [fuming]

Gandalf: [looks fabulous]

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving