Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
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*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate