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They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Sheep
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.