“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
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Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Need WebMD
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My blood type is b hungry.