The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
You Might Also Like
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.