Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
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If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
very niche meme I made
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”