Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
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*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.