driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
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Matt Goss
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”