driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself![]()
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
was Jim off killing horses or…
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me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
time for some seasonal decor
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People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
fixed it
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I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.