Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
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During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
🙂🐾
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.