Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
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It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.