First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
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If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.