me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
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Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.