Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
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ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Happy thanksgiving!
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away