Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
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You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.