Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
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Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
mom gave me mine for free
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Dietest Coke
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A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
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Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.