I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
You Might Also Like
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Me, reading some of your tweets
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*