A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
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therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
and now we wait
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
selfie game
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.