Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
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In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.