Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
You Might Also Like
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Ok, but like, how married are you?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH