I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
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Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.