I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-


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Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]


HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG


Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.


My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.


One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.


Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.


My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.


GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!


I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.