jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
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Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook