I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
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Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?