me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
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God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
remember
only for emergencies
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.