I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
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[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
The happy life.. 😊
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.